Do You Want to Get Well?

Preface:
So...in case you didn't know this about me...I used to be pretty manipulative. In the past, I tried to control the people that I loved the most with my actions. I used my eating habits or my self-mutilation to hurt the people around me. I guilted them into thinking that their actions had physical consequences in me. I am gifted with words and would use my words, tone, or nonverbal language to make it clear that I was upset...and basically withhold love from them to get the emotional reaction that I wanted. This was my past life. I have since been transformed.

However, today, I saw a glimpse of that old self rear its ugly head. I got upset for absolutely no reason at all - and I hurt the person I love most. I began thinking about Biblical culture in relation to my struggle with my old habits...and I was thinking about the instance at the pool of Bethesda. (John 5) This man has been hanging out by the pool for years and years but had never been healed. Jesus explicitly asked him, "Do you want to get well?" Upon initial reading of that part, I want to say - DUH. Of course this man wanted to be healed. Who doesn't? But if we think deeper about it, we may see some more truth to the matter. I'm not trying to analyze the man's modus operandi or even his attitude towards Jesus. I was just thinking - what if deep down he really wanted to be the lame man?

Do we really want to let go of our handicaps? Isn't it easier to just live with them - we've been doing it for so long. Sometimes it hurts less to keep them up then to deal with the change and discomfort of losing them. How could I see it like this? Don't I realize what I have lost at the cost of my selfish control issues, manipulation, and bitterness? One would think that I would never go back.

Then I began thinking about why it even happened. I hadn't snapped like that in a while. The simple explanation is that I was obviously not walking in the Spirit and I allowed the prince of this world to influence my attitude. I am so ashamed at the hurt that I caused by simply allowing a moment of weakness in my walk with the Spirit. Obviously, I am not perfect. But, thankfully, I serve a God who is.

The ultimate point of this blog, though, is that Christ has overcome. I don't have to depend on those control methods anymore because that's how I was trying to live outside of the Lord. If I am truly living a life led by the Spirit, then I won't act like I'm not of the Spirit. I will fall. My life is messy. I have a redeeming King who is wonderful at making beautiful things out of shambles and He will continue to transform me into who He needs me to be every day. :)

Sorry about the word vomit! :D
Love you, blogstalkers. <3