Well, if you have noticed, I haven't blogged in about six months. I don't think I ever had the time. Between being a student, working full time, and planning a wedding, my life has been flying at the speed of light. I am pleased to take a few moments of my time now to relax and communicate my thoughts and feelings to the world.
Since returning from Swaziland, I think I have changed considerably...and I am unsure how I even fit in my culture anymore. I don't know how to be in community with my brothers and sisters here. Nothing feels quite the way it did before I left, and it won't ever be. I knew that embarking on this short six-month journey would indeed impact my life. I expected it to. I didn't expect it to wreck it. I mean wreck in a good sense, though. Breaking me to make me who I am becoming. I discovered more of my identity in my Maker than I had ever in my life. And, much like a church camp/short term mission trip-high, I cannot seem to return to those feelings and that comfort I had, resting in the arms of Christ.
I feel a disconnect. Bitterness. Disillusionment. But most of all, my heart aches to be with my friends and my family there in Swaziland. This is not a motivation of guilt for the poor, starving, or HIV-ridden people I call home; this is not a compelling feeling of sharing the gospel with people clearly in the muddled airs of syncretism; and its not even an attempt at meriting the attention of a world moving faster than I am...this is me, broken and tired..and missing people whom I love dearly.
With the ever-approaching day of our wedding, I feel a pang of guilt. Do not misunderstand, I am excited beyond belief about marrying my best friend. It seems wrong, somehow, for me to spend so much time and money on something so brief and ceremonial...and juvenile for me to constantly update everyone around me about my amazing newest wedding plan. Weddings are beautiful and meaningful, but my jaded self only sees excess and forced niceties. It becomes more and more difficult for Brandt and I to put effort into the planning of this one-day event that is supposed to be the most important of our lives when we are so exhausted with all it entails. Maybe sometime I should like to think of myself as a proper lady - mostly I believe that I am slightly less than such.
My patience is waning and I am just ready to begin my life with the most wonderful man I have ever known...and see where Sovereignty may lead us.
(Sorry for getting all emo...It was weird, right?)
Love & My Utmost,
Brandi
