Mr. MTV

This song has been haunting my soul since the first time I heard it. Besides having amazing instrumentals and vocals, it speaks to me and inspires me in a way that no song has for a long while.

It has something very important to say to our culture and society…and what we have become. We allow ourselves to be hypnotized by reality television and our superficial minds cannot think deeply anymore. We are only concerned with what we want, what we believe that we need. But the truth is that we are empty. We are simply vessels for corporations to fill with their ideas of what we should be. No one is truly original anymore. Call me jaded.

When will we wake up? What does it take to understand that we are so inundated with useless garbage that we have forgotten to care about important virtues? With pop music lulling us into a false sense of happiness and MTV convincing us that our deviant behavior is nothing compared to the outlandish, fame-hungry reality TV stars we watch, we will never be able to think for ourselves. Our society will continue to be slaves to the brands we subconsciously worship. The only hope we have is to shut out these controlling voices and risk being ostracized by those around us.

We are empty…and we must stop filling ourselves with fleeting desires that will never fulfill us. We have a need for something eternal…

For whom the bells toll...

Well, if you have noticed, I haven't blogged in about six months. I don't think I ever had the time. Between being a student, working full time, and planning a wedding, my life has been flying at the speed of light. I am pleased to take a few moments of my time now to relax and communicate my thoughts and feelings to the world.

Since returning from Swaziland, I think I have changed considerably...and I am unsure how I even fit in my culture anymore. I don't know how to be in community with my brothers and sisters here. Nothing feels quite the way it did before I left, and it won't ever be. I knew that embarking on this short six-month journey would indeed impact my life. I expected it to. I didn't expect it to wreck it. I mean wreck in a good sense, though. Breaking me to make me who I am becoming. I discovered more of my identity in my Maker than I had ever in my life. And, much like a church camp/short term mission trip-high, I cannot seem to return to those feelings and that comfort I had, resting in the arms of Christ.

I feel a disconnect. Bitterness. Disillusionment. But most of all, my heart aches to be with my friends and my family there in Swaziland. This is not a motivation of guilt for the poor, starving, or HIV-ridden people I call home; this is not a compelling feeling of sharing the gospel with people clearly in the muddled airs of syncretism; and its not even an attempt at meriting the attention of a world moving faster than I am...this is me, broken and tired..and missing people whom I love dearly.

With the ever-approaching day of our wedding, I feel a pang of guilt. Do not misunderstand, I am excited beyond belief about marrying my best friend. It seems wrong, somehow, for me to spend so much time and money on something so brief and ceremonial...and juvenile for me to constantly update everyone around me about my amazing newest wedding plan. Weddings are beautiful and meaningful, but my jaded self only sees excess and forced niceties. It becomes more and more difficult for Brandt and I to put effort into the planning of this one-day event that is supposed to be the most important of our lives when we are so exhausted with all it entails. Maybe sometime I should like to think of myself as a proper lady - mostly I believe that I am slightly less than such.

My patience is waning and I am just ready to begin my life with the most wonderful man I have ever known...and see where Sovereignty may lead us.

(Sorry for getting all emo...It was weird, right?)

Love & My Utmost,
Brandi

Semester Abroad Posts...

For those of you who are my faithful blogstalkers, you will be happy to know that I will be posting my updates from overseas here.

Do You Want to Get Well?

Preface:
So...in case you didn't know this about me...I used to be pretty manipulative. In the past, I tried to control the people that I loved the most with my actions. I used my eating habits or my self-mutilation to hurt the people around me. I guilted them into thinking that their actions had physical consequences in me. I am gifted with words and would use my words, tone, or nonverbal language to make it clear that I was upset...and basically withhold love from them to get the emotional reaction that I wanted. This was my past life. I have since been transformed.

However, today, I saw a glimpse of that old self rear its ugly head. I got upset for absolutely no reason at all - and I hurt the person I love most. I began thinking about Biblical culture in relation to my struggle with my old habits...and I was thinking about the instance at the pool of Bethesda. (John 5) This man has been hanging out by the pool for years and years but had never been healed. Jesus explicitly asked him, "Do you want to get well?" Upon initial reading of that part, I want to say - DUH. Of course this man wanted to be healed. Who doesn't? But if we think deeper about it, we may see some more truth to the matter. I'm not trying to analyze the man's modus operandi or even his attitude towards Jesus. I was just thinking - what if deep down he really wanted to be the lame man?

Do we really want to let go of our handicaps? Isn't it easier to just live with them - we've been doing it for so long. Sometimes it hurts less to keep them up then to deal with the change and discomfort of losing them. How could I see it like this? Don't I realize what I have lost at the cost of my selfish control issues, manipulation, and bitterness? One would think that I would never go back.

Then I began thinking about why it even happened. I hadn't snapped like that in a while. The simple explanation is that I was obviously not walking in the Spirit and I allowed the prince of this world to influence my attitude. I am so ashamed at the hurt that I caused by simply allowing a moment of weakness in my walk with the Spirit. Obviously, I am not perfect. But, thankfully, I serve a God who is.

The ultimate point of this blog, though, is that Christ has overcome. I don't have to depend on those control methods anymore because that's how I was trying to live outside of the Lord. If I am truly living a life led by the Spirit, then I won't act like I'm not of the Spirit. I will fall. My life is messy. I have a redeeming King who is wonderful at making beautiful things out of shambles and He will continue to transform me into who He needs me to be every day. :)

Sorry about the word vomit! :D
Love you, blogstalkers. <3

Sandra Kay Taylor

Excerpt from my prayer journal: "I praise You for grandma. She was an amazing woman and I know that You used her so very powerfully in my life. I thank You for the time I got with her - it was fantastic. We have a bond that was not only strong here in this life, but will endure. Lord, she is the vessel in which I came to know You. Her life was so precious to me - help me to live life, follow Truth, and make her so proud.

I am sad - terribly sad - at losing her. I miss her a little each day. But I rejoice also. Not only because she is now with You, but because her death made a huge impact on my family. I know You have a plan and a purpose. I expect great things."

My grandmother (on the left) was an incredible woman. She never lead a perfect life and never claimed to - but she was the perfect picture of Christ to me as a child. She moved back to Flat Rock and pressured me to go to church. She is the reason I am a Christian and a huge part of why I serve the Lord the way I do. She was a tough & strong woman, but so open-hearted and giving. She taught me the value of commitment, hard work, and love. She was a constant in my life when everything else seemed to be falling apart. She frequently quoted the words of our old pastor, "Remember who you are and where you come from." And I will, grandma. I will.

I will treasure in my heart our Sunday afternoons watching Bridezillas & My Fair Wedding with David Tutera when we would drink coffee and just laugh at the ridiculous demands of the brides and crazy themes of the weddings. I cherish the days where she, Uncle Rick, Charleigh, and I would just lounge around and do nothing but read. We didn't always have to speak - we just were. She was from a generation of those who don't have to vocally affirm their love for one another. I didn't need her to tell me that she loved me, I knew. She would have given her last dime for me. She was one of the most benevolent women I know. She sent me care packages just because, random letters, and the last thing she sent me was a little Christmas recipe book.

That's another thing I value from her life - cooking. She imparted to me a love for good food and how to prepare it. I sometimes regret that I can't just call her and ask her how to make something anymore. She always had dinner cooking while we were at church and we'd all sit around and graze til it was time to eat. In true servant fashion, she was always the last to get her plate and the first to start the cleanup.

She was so strong and suffered so graciously. When she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 2008, I was so scared for her. She just plowed right through it and came out even stronger. She was in stage III when she was diagnosed...and she bounced back in less than a year! The Lord gave her so much strength and allowed her to live an extra two years. I am grateful for those years - she saw me through some of the roughest times of my life while going through one of the roughest battles of hers.

She was truly an upstanding woman. Her character was really likened to that of the woman described in Proverbs 31. I value her legacy and I am thankful for everything that she so selflessly gave to me. I love you, grandma. I know that you are in complete awesomeness worshiping the Lord forever and I am overjoyed. :)

Christophany of Brandi

I have recently been thinking about the apostle Paul's encounter with Christ on the Damascus road. That was the point that everything completely changed in his life. Everything afterward was incomparably different. His worldview totally flipped and he saw everything through the lens of the Cross.

So I want to share my Christophany experience...not because I want you to know my life like that...but because I believe that the Lord has given us each other as a help. And maybe, just maybe, someone needs this story. Or maybe you just want to creep and know my life. [Note: there are easier ways to do this...i.e. talking to me, personally. hehe]

Somewhere around two years ago, I was "the happiest girl in the world". I was in a very serious relationship that I believed with all my heart was from God. (I have been thinking about that, too. How we compromise the small things and allow ourselves to slowly drift away and convince ourselves that we're actually doing God's will. hmm.) But what was really going on was jealousy, lust, manipulation, and deceit. Of course, I wasn't completely aware. Somewhere in my heart I think I knew that I was fooling myself...but I let it happen anyway. So I get deeper and deeper into this relationship...and we're serious. Planning the wedding serious. Check it...there's a facebook group called "Taylor and Brandi's Wedding." Yeah.

And then, in March of 2009, I had a real life encounter with Christ. See, I had been a Christian for close to 9 years...and I had been called to missions...but I really wasn't following through with what the Lord was intending for my life. Instead, I was trying to stuff God into my own plans and conform His ways to mine. But He rescued me. He, the Lord of the Universe, saved my life. And not that He hadn't already been my Savior but through this event, He became my Lord. The relationship with Taylor ended...not of my choice but of his.

Of course, I went through a really, really rough time in my life. I could expound about how low I got, but that wouldn't really be giving the glory to God much, would it? So, through the brokenness, Christ created a clean heart within me. I have since become a different person...because when you have a real encounter with Jesus you cannot leave unchanged. Some would see that event as a tragedy in my life...I would rebuke them! Sure, it was a heart-wrenching, soul-shaking experience - but it was one of redemption, not devastation. Everything that I once saw as desirable (a home, a comfortable life, a marriage, the American Dream), I now count as loss.

"...I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." -Philippians 3:8

Allowing Christ to really become my Lord, to know me...and to really know Him...that makes life worth it. I may have thought that I lost everything when Taylor peaced out on me...but that was absolutely nothing compared to what Jesus is presently doing in me. Marriage, children, a home...those are all good things...but they are little compared to the life we have been given in Christ. I reflect upon that time as nothing but Divine Intervention.

Christ has already called me to the nations. I was like Jonah trying to outrun God...and God won.

To quote one of the best artists in the universe (Keith Urban):

"I shouldn't be standing here today
After all the crazy things I've done
I'm ready to fall and that's okay

I ran as far as I could run...
You won"

[The rest of the song is pretty great too if you want to check it out!]

I am so, so thankful to the Lord of all that He saw my self-destruction and my idolatry and pulled me from it. I would not be who I am today if He had not intervened. No words could ever show enough gratitude, Father. 

{Sorry, I know this was a little unorganized. Its my heart.}

We're missing out on His voice

We've traded God for ashes

We've got to think for ourselves

Where's our passion?

I have been contemplating the impact of the American culture on our gospel. I wonder just how much of our faith and practice comes from what we find to be culturally acceptable rather than what we actually find in the context of Biblical culture.

We have diminished the gospel. My friend Brandt used the word "neutered" whilst speaking last night. I would concur with this statement in terms of our making it neutral. First century Christians were ridiculed and even killed for this thing we call the "good news".  If this news is worth living for it should also be worth dying for. Radical is a word that accurately describes the message of my Jesus. He was considered a fool and even insane for who He was (is!). Who am I to try to live a life anything short of humiliated and sacrificed?

Also, the gospel isn't just a set of beliefs. It isn't a list of things that we can just check off as we go along. It is a way of life - a pattern of living.  How much longer will we stand around and observe things but continue to let them happen? We see what is going on in our American Christianity. Many places around the world, Christianity is thriving. Here, it seems to be something people do on Sundays to show that they are better than others. We are dissatisfied. We are sick of it. But we really must ask ourselves, "Where's our passion?" We may sit here in our intellectuality and condescendingly point out everything "wrong" with the church. That doesn't solve anything. It simply publicizes the problem. We. have. to. make. a. change. 

Do I have all the answers? Absolutely not! But we do have access to the One who does know all the answers. Not one of us is flawless and we will stumble. We will make mistakes. But if we claim them and show the world that following Christ isn't about being perfect, its about being redeemed. Its about giving of yourself the best you know how until you can't give anymore...and then giving more anyway. Its about not compromising what we absolutely know but following hard after Truth even when it will humiliate and shame us. Dr. Reeves recently said, "Nobody can teach the essence of the gospel, God has to reveal it to you." (Paraphrasing Paul in Philippians, actually) I pray for myself and for you, blogstalkers, that God will reveal the essence of the gospel. That we will no longer be conformed to our culture, but be transformed by Christ's culture instead.